Why do Swingers Hate Bisexual Men?

bisexual flag colors symbol

It’s time we addressed this issue from our perspective. We’ll try to be as informative as possible. Bisexual acceptance is an incredibly important topic to us.


Lesbian Gay BISEXUAL Transgender Presence

The LGBT community is real, expanding, and making the world a more compassionate place. Research and reporting by the Movement Advancement Project (MAP) estimates that even though more than half of the LGBT community in the U.S. (4.1% of the population or ~5 million people in 2016) identifies as bisexual, the group is often overlooked when it comes to legal and social discourse.

lesbian gay bisexual transgender flag

Our society has made great strides with recognizing the rights of non-heterosexual couples. Marriage equality laws allowed millions of same-sex couples, who had been together for decades, to finally enjoy the freedom to marry one another.


Regional Threats

In places like Texas, there are still pockets of fear and hate that seem to be unwilling to respect differences. I use Texas as an example because it’s where we live. It’s, also, one of many states that may miss out on lucrative big businesses moving headquarters because it does not have LGBT protection laws. Texas’ own governor has sponsored a failed Bathroom Bill targeting transgenders.

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Lucy Nicholson/Reuters

So it’s no surprise that there are still people threatening violence & committing homicide when faced with even the idea of non-heterosexual men.

Discrimination in the Lifestyle

Even in open-minded Swinging Lifestyle communities, there are men and women who condemn bisexual men. Most of the reasons given for this behavior originate from outdated or mis-information about bisexual/gay men. From outdated STD/STI statistics to the fear that a bi/gay man might touch without consent and beyond. There are various stigmas that people are still leaning on in order to outcast bisexual men.

STI Misconceptions

We’ll try not to go off on a tangent about how society at large tends to blow STIs out of proportion with stigmas, but Dr. Zhana’s article does a great job of exploring that topic if you’re interested. Even though the risk of STD/STIs is higher by virtue of having multiple partners, the Swinger Lifestyle has a propensity to have a lower STD/STI rate than monogamous couples due to factors like regular screenings and safe sex practices. That being said, bi-men in the lifestyle are still falsely viewed to be more likely to have an STD/STI.

Fear based Violence

It’s not uncommon for hetero-normative males in the Swinging Lifestyle to make aggressive statements or threats in lifestyle forums that make it clear they support violence towards bisexual men. Often, the reasoning they give is because they don’t want someone touching them in a way they don’t like. This is a wonderful, teaching opportunity about the concept of consent that our society struggles with so deeply. The quip that “Homophobic men are afraid that other men will treat them like they treat women” is most definitely appropriate.

Because of this, bisexual men in the Swinging Lifestyle tend to keep their bisexuality hidden due to fears their openness may be misconstrued. Even in more progressive minded, metropolitan cities of Texas like Dallas and Austin, there is a hesitation to be forthcoming with that information.

Not Entirely Wrong

Let’s be honest here, dark rooms at swinger clubs provide plenty of opportunity for anyone to cross consent lines. So the fear the homophobic person has is not unfounded. That being said, threatening violence is not the way to handle that fear. There are plenty of stories from friends who may have an ass in the air at the club and a random spectator might spank, caress, fondle or otherwise touch without consent. Most of these scenarios don’t end in violence, however. The best case reaction is a clear and concise expression of boundaries. The most common scenario is the offender disappearing before confrontation or being too intoxicated to understand they just committed a party foul.



Enough Fact, Now Opinion

It truly is frustrating to see so many people feel the need to hide. But not me. Not us. We proudly describe ourselves as Pansexuals.

We paraphrase the definition of that to say that we, essentially, are attracted to people rather than genitals, so long as there is intimate/sexual chemistry. Chemistry is the important part.

Relating that to the grand scheme of this blog post, it means that I, Daniel, am sexually active with all genders. Additionally, Nikki is sexually active with all genders. Sometimes it’s easier to claim the bisexual title when describing my sexual interactions. These sexual interactions do not change who I am as a person. I’m not a predator or disease ridden. I’m not an irresponsible risk taker. I am a person and I am more than happy to explore other genders as well. The only requirement is a mental and physical chemistry between myself and that PERSON.

Why We Advocate

It is my opinion that the older and the less experienced tend to develop strong feelings about any variety of topics. Male Bisexuality seems to be one of the topics that, with little or no experience interacting with bi-men, leaves some with only preconceived notions. Where these people go wrong is using those preconceptions as justification for violence. Violence towards anyone over their sexual orientation is wrong. There is no justification for it.

The side effects of not feeling accepted in society are well documented with the LGBT community. Depression and suicide CAN happen if our people, the human kind, feel like they are being rejected. This is why we take a stance. This is why we feel the need to protect.

We try to be examples of how normal, respectful people can be from any variety of background. We don’t represent any kind of unusual risk to anyone. Our intent is to never force what we do onto others. If you are afraid or think we are more of a risk; if you think less of us because of our choices… Those thoughts are on you and your biases. You’re the one missing out on our friendship. We are happy, and we are doing what we can to help others be happy to.


National Suicide Prevent Hotline

LGBT Resources



  1. Phillip Kurtz

    Hi Daniel. I read your article and just one comment and then a question. I am a straight male in the lifestyle. Recently moved to Dallas. I don’t condone any hate or violence towards gay or bi-males. I will say. In the 9 months of being in Dallas, I know of 2 times that friends have been at the clubs and men have, without consent, touched other men on their penis or in the area. So I think that you may have understated the ferocity of gay/bi-males in general. They are men after all and seems more and more these days that guys are thinking with their dick and not using their brains.

    As to your statements about sti/stds among gay/bi-males. Do you have any facts or figures to back them up? I pride myself on being informed. Especially about stds since I have been in the lifestyle for over 15 years. I have yet to see facts from the CDC that support any statement that gay/bi-males are just as safe to play with as a heterosexual woman. I have seen statements on the CDC website recently that said in 2014 the number of heterosexual women being infected has declined in recent years, but the number of new cases among the gay/bi male population remains steady.

    1. Post
      Daniel Vaughn

      Thanks for commenting Phillip.
      Your anecdote about male friends being touched by other males is difficult to extrapolate on due to lack of context, but let me be clear in saying we don’t support touching others without consent. Additionally, the topics of consent and sexual assault have been hot button subjects lately for plenty of people. So, without delving into the flaws of society as a whole, I just want to point out that those who touch without consent exist in every possible identification label (sex, orientation, race, religion, socio-economic status, etc) and we consider all of those who touch without consent to be shitty people. Bi-males are no more ferocious than heteronormative cis-gendered males.

      As for the numbers on STIs/STDs, it’s an educated inference based on perceived behaviors of the swinging community. There are, currently, no government sanctioned or scientific community studies that have exact numbers. Much of that is due to the fact that swingers are still considered a taboo community, and the risks to their family life, jobs, and day-to-day community make them apprehensive to self-identify.
      (Aside: While you may be well aware and I might be preaching to the choir, I do hope readers who may not be in the Lifestyle can see why data may not be available as readily as any of us would like.)
      That being said, I base my inferences on several things. First, the small polls and studies, that have been done. Here’s one site that I included in the article, but here it is again (http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jsm.12987/abstract). I don’t consider these robust or all encompassing enough to say that they are empirical evidence, but I do get the abstract point. The point being that CNM (consensually non-monogamous) couples tend to practice safe sex and include regular testing in their lives where monogamous couples don’t. We can assume the same general point applies to bi-sexual men in the lifestyle as well. The lack of those two primary areas, testing and safe sex practices, are cited by the CDC as one of the primary reasons the mainstream bi/gay community has higher STD/STI rates. (source: https://www.cdc.gov/std/life-stages-populations/stdfact-msm.htm)

      So, again, it is the behavior practices of people in the lifestyle that A) Make the world a safer place and B) Should de-stigmatize the perception of bi-men in the lifestyle.

  2. Burton Marks

    …..So, again, it is the behavior practices of people in the lifestyle that A) Make the world a safer place and B) Should de-stigmatize the perception of bi-men in the lifestyle….
    Thinking outside the box, could this not be a practice for “all communities? I find this universal! These two issues have growing parallels that breed concern for everyone, no matter their lifestyle!
    To narrow the scope of understanding can only breed fear and fear leads to threats and violence. To discuss, to educate, to embrace a true understanding will open up the peripheral of these two every important issues and may clear way for the future.
    “Daniel, I hear more in your words than you share. Being new at anything, can have moments, that’s part of being who we are. And being who we are is just fine!”

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